so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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