Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
