Yo dont text me then not text me
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
