Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
COCAINE IS GR8
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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