I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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