So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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