Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She tied me up with her honor cords...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
