I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
