I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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