I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
