guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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