i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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