also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
