my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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