I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
