there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
