How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
