After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Randomize
