she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
