goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
