I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
