There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
