Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
