never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
