Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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