If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
