wakey wakey hands off snakey
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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