so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
