Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
