also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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