In America we eat man semen.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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