Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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