Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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