There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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