I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
