after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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