Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
