i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
