those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
