I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
