can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
