Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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