I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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