I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
