So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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