the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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