All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
