I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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