Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
