We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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